How to Show Up for Someone After a Miscarriage: 4 Things TO Do

I already shared some things to avoid saying to a loved one or colleague who has shared they had a miscarriage in this post. It can be such a lonely experience, and people often don’t know how to talk about it. or they fall into the too-common trap of “not wanting to remind you of the hard thing.” Trust me, we haven’t forgotten. In fact, the silence around it can be more painful than any mention of it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember I am supposed to be pregnant. There was supposed to be a baby. When milestones come up, the reminder feels like a punch in the gut. I went shopping for a dress the week before a friend’s wedding in August. I had put off buying one earlier because I wasn’t sure how much I would be showing. My eyes teared up in the dressing room knowing that I was supposed to be pregnant at the wedding. The reminders sneak up on me. Grief comes in waves; I understand what that means now.

Here are some ways you can show up with love for someone after a miscarriage.

1.     Let them know you are thinking about them. A quick text saying “Thinking about you and your baby today” can be so helpful. Try to avoid “How are you?” I often ignored those texts because to try and explain how I really am on a given day is just not going to happen over text. I appreciated the brief messages that told me they were thinking of me and that they care.

2.     Try to remember milestones. Remember the due date. Be aware of when they would have crossed into a new trimester. Reach out on the holidays, especially on the holidays, knowing that those might be even more painful reminders of what is missing. While the holidays are meant to be a time of good cheer, in these years of infertility the constant messages of joy and peace and thanksgiving have felt jolting when I’m feeling deep grief and sadness.

3.     Remind them that they are loved and whole; remind them that their worth does not depend on their reproductive system. Especially if the end of their journey does not include a child in their arms, they need to be reminded that they are enough in and of themselves.

4.     Acknowledge that the father or partner lost a baby too. Most of what we see about miscarriage and infertility are so focused on the mother or the one carrying the child. The father or non-bearing partner lost a child too, though. Honor that their loss is no less than hers; it is not secondary, and their grief is just as real and deep as hers.

Remember that grief is not a linear, one-size-fits-all formula. It is deeply personal, and experienced differently even within a couple. It may take months or it may take years or it may take a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to bring it up; they will let you know if they don’t want to talk about the baby, but they often won’t bring it up themselves. I am often afraid that I talk about it too much, but I so appreciate it when others bring it up. I think about our baby every day, and I’m confident I’m not alone in that.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you know someone who has lost a baby, whether it was months ago or years ago, reach out to them this month. Tell them you are thinking about them and their baby (by name if you know it). It’s ok if you don’t get a response. They’ll know you care.

How to Show Up for Someone After a Miscarriage: 4 Things to Avoid

I truly believe that people are kind and have good intentions. But sometimes what they say just sucks. Where is the class in Life School that teaches how to respond to someone going through something hard? How do I sign up? (Or sign someone else up...?)

Here are some tips for how to support someone who has had a miscarriage. We know you have the best intentions with your words, but here are some ways to keep it sensitive:

4 things to avoid saying to someone going through a miscarriage (and what to say instead):

1.     “What can I do?” Instead of this, just tell them you’re there if they need you. Especially in the first weeks and months, they may not be in a space to ask for anything, but need to know you are thinking of them and ready to help if needed. One of the best things I got was a package from a friend that had a necklace, chocolate, and a packet of forget-me-not seeds. I felt so loved by this simple, unexpected gesture.  

2.     Avoid telling them a story about someone else that you know who also had a miscarriage but then went on to have a healthy baby. Shifting the story away from them can feel dismissive of their experience, and is likely done to make you feel better. “I’m so sorry” is enough to let them know you see them. If they ask for a hopeful story, that’s your entry. Otherwise please keep your (or your friend’s) experience to yourself.

3.     “At least you can get pregnant!” Again, this feels dismissive of the loss. Yes, of course I was thrilled to find out that I actually can get pregnant after 5 years of negative tests. But hearing this sounded to me like I was supposed to stop being sad about my loss and focus on the positive instead. Grief looks different to every person, but it is not linear and usually not quick. Try to sit with them in their discomfort, even if it means it’s uncomfortable for you too.

4.     “Do you think [fill in the blank] caused the miscarriage?” A miscarriage is no one’s fault, but it is natural to look for something to blame. She’s already probably going through a list of things she did (or didn’t do) that might have caused it (that second cup of coffee? too much exercise? sex?). Please don’t offer more for her imagination. It was not her fault.

If you read these and think “Oh shit, I totally said that,” don’t sweat it. We all make mistakes. We can all do better. Just take it as a lesson and move forward. The biggest thing is to just let the person know you see them. Even if you can’t relate, you are willing to honor their grief by not dismissing it.

At the end of the day, if you can’t remember what to or not to say, keep it simple with “I’m so sorry.” That’s enough.