How to Show Up for Someone After a Miscarriage: 4 Things TO Do

I already shared some things to avoid saying to a loved one or colleague who has shared they had a miscarriage in this post. It can be such a lonely experience, and people often don’t know how to talk about it. or they fall into the too-common trap of “not wanting to remind you of the hard thing.” Trust me, we haven’t forgotten. In fact, the silence around it can be more painful than any mention of it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember I am supposed to be pregnant. There was supposed to be a baby. When milestones come up, the reminder feels like a punch in the gut. I went shopping for a dress the week before a friend’s wedding in August. I had put off buying one earlier because I wasn’t sure how much I would be showing. My eyes teared up in the dressing room knowing that I was supposed to be pregnant at the wedding. The reminders sneak up on me. Grief comes in waves; I understand what that means now.

Here are some ways you can show up with love for someone after a miscarriage.

1.     Let them know you are thinking about them. A quick text saying “Thinking about you and your baby today” can be so helpful. Try to avoid “How are you?” I often ignored those texts because to try and explain how I really am on a given day is just not going to happen over text. I appreciated the brief messages that told me they were thinking of me and that they care.

2.     Try to remember milestones. Remember the due date. Be aware of when they would have crossed into a new trimester. Reach out on the holidays, especially on the holidays, knowing that those might be even more painful reminders of what is missing. While the holidays are meant to be a time of good cheer, in these years of infertility the constant messages of joy and peace and thanksgiving have felt jolting when I’m feeling deep grief and sadness.

3.     Remind them that they are loved and whole; remind them that their worth does not depend on their reproductive system. Especially if the end of their journey does not include a child in their arms, they need to be reminded that they are enough in and of themselves.

4.     Acknowledge that the father or partner lost a baby too. Most of what we see about miscarriage and infertility are so focused on the mother or the one carrying the child. The father or non-bearing partner lost a child too, though. Honor that their loss is no less than hers; it is not secondary, and their grief is just as real and deep as hers.

Remember that grief is not a linear, one-size-fits-all formula. It is deeply personal, and experienced differently even within a couple. It may take months or it may take years or it may take a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to bring it up; they will let you know if they don’t want to talk about the baby, but they often won’t bring it up themselves. I am often afraid that I talk about it too much, but I so appreciate it when others bring it up. I think about our baby every day, and I’m confident I’m not alone in that.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you know someone who has lost a baby, whether it was months ago or years ago, reach out to them this month. Tell them you are thinking about them and their baby (by name if you know it). It’s ok if you don’t get a response. They’ll know you care.