How to Show Up for Someone After a Miscarriage: 4 Things to Avoid

I truly believe that people are kind and have good intentions. But sometimes what they say just sucks. Where is the class in Life School that teaches how to respond to someone going through something hard? How do I sign up? (Or sign someone else up...?)

Here are some tips for how to support someone who has had a miscarriage. We know you have the best intentions with your words, but here are some ways to keep it sensitive:

4 things to avoid saying to someone going through a miscarriage (and what to say instead):

1.     “What can I do?” Instead of this, just tell them you’re there if they need you. Especially in the first weeks and months, they may not be in a space to ask for anything, but need to know you are thinking of them and ready to help if needed. One of the best things I got was a package from a friend that had a necklace, chocolate, and a packet of forget-me-not seeds. I felt so loved by this simple, unexpected gesture.  

2.     Avoid telling them a story about someone else that you know who also had a miscarriage but then went on to have a healthy baby. Shifting the story away from them can feel dismissive of their experience, and is likely done to make you feel better. “I’m so sorry” is enough to let them know you see them. If they ask for a hopeful story, that’s your entry. Otherwise please keep your (or your friend’s) experience to yourself.

3.     “At least you can get pregnant!” Again, this feels dismissive of the loss. Yes, of course I was thrilled to find out that I actually can get pregnant after 5 years of negative tests. But hearing this sounded to me like I was supposed to stop being sad about my loss and focus on the positive instead. Grief looks different to every person, but it is not linear and usually not quick. Try to sit with them in their discomfort, even if it means it’s uncomfortable for you too.

4.     “Do you think [fill in the blank] caused the miscarriage?” A miscarriage is no one’s fault, but it is natural to look for something to blame. She’s already probably going through a list of things she did (or didn’t do) that might have caused it (that second cup of coffee? too much exercise? sex?). Please don’t offer more for her imagination. It was not her fault.

If you read these and think “Oh shit, I totally said that,” don’t sweat it. We all make mistakes. We can all do better. Just take it as a lesson and move forward. The biggest thing is to just let the person know you see them. Even if you can’t relate, you are willing to honor their grief by not dismissing it.

At the end of the day, if you can’t remember what to or not to say, keep it simple with “I’m so sorry.” That’s enough.