3 Ways to Practice Self-Advocacy

I’m a people pleaser. Considering the demographics of my email list, I am pretty sure it’s a safe bet to guess you probably are too. 

Those of us who grew up as little girls were socialized to take care of everyone around us from a very young age, and often those behaviors get solidified through adolescence and carry into adulthood. In my experience as a healthcare professional, this shows up particularly strongly when it comes to medical visits.

We were taught to do as we were told, not ask questions and not take up too much space. Don’t waste anyone’s time. Our medical system is currently focused more on efficiency and unfortunately, less on the person on a paper sheet wearing a gown. Today we have to do more work ourselves to get the care that we need and deserve. Self-advocacy is a must in today’s medical world.

Self-advocacy is a muscle. And like any of our muscles, if we don’t use it, we lose it. We need to practice it in small ways so that we can get used to using it. As it gets stronger and we get more comfortable with it, we can use it in bigger ways and in what feels like higher-stakes situations. 

Thankfully, there are some easy ways to practice self-advocacy. I ask my patients to practice it every day, offering options for treatment or asking them where they want to begin. Do you need to use the bathroom before we start? Do you want water or coffee? It’s a practice of giving (and taking) a breath to check in with one’s body and decide what it needs in the moment. It sounds simple, but how often do we just plow through the day without considering how we’re feeling?

I am going to share three ways to practice self-advocacy and consent in a safe environment so that you can train these muscles. I recommend starting with a practitioner you already feel comfortable with, or make an appointment for a massage with someone you trust or that a friend recommends. (Shameless plug for my girl Mari here at Thresholds Collective). A massage therapist's job is literally to give you what you want. You are not there for them–they are there for you. So this is a great place to practice. 

Here are three ways to do it:

1. When they step out to let you get changed and they knock on the door to ask if you’re ready, say “Just a minute.” Even if you’re already naked under the sheet – take your time. You do not have to let them right back in. Take three deep breaths to practice taking up space (I promise, those three breaths will elevate your experience, and won’t take away from the precious time of being cared for.)

2. When you’ve taken up the space you want, say “You can come in” or “I’m ready now.” You are actively inviting them back into the room with you. This is a small but important switch. How many times have you heard “Ready?” before a provider touches you, leaving you only with a yes/no option, with “no” being kind of not an option in your mind because of the aforementioned well-ingrained people-pleasing? Practice inviting them, and only when you are truly ready. 

3. Ask them to change their touch. Even if it feels OK, or even if it feels good, just do it once or twice for practice. “Can you go a little lighter?” “Can you use a little more pressure?” Use a little Goldilocks inspiration – too hot, too cold, just right. They should be asking you how it feels, and their job is to follow your lead.

You can repeat these throughout the massage. Ask where they’re going to start working on you so your nervous system is ready for the touch. Tell them when you’re ready for them to start. If you have any questions, ask them! Get a good understanding of what your nervous system should expect for when the therapist starts touching you.

Try those out and see how it feels. This could be any bodyworker – a facial, waxing, a PT. These caretakers are there for you. So they might feel like a more safe place to practice. 

As you get used to flexing these muscles, they’re gonna get stronger and they’re gonna get more natural to use. When you practice with a provider you know and trust, you’ll be more comfortable when it comes to a more intimate exam, with a provider that you’re less familiar with, or one you’re more intimidated by. When you show up for your next Pap smear, you’ll be feeling fully in your power and ready to go. (I’ll have a follow-up post specifically focused on prepping for a gyn exam, so keep an eye out.) 

If you try these, tell me about it! I am always here to celebrate wins with y’all. 

P.S. I’d be remiss to note that self-advocacy also reaches outside of medical visits. This is a way that we can advocate for our kids, for democracy, for change. This is a way to practice moving past people-pleasing and into your power. 💪