Is it normal to only have an external orgasm?

I get asked this question all. the. time. And I’m both super happy and a little sad to see all the responses, as I’ll dive into below.

First, let’s go back to the basics and define some terms. As a reminder from my last post, an orgasm is a typically pleasurable, “sudden release of sexual tension, which can be generated in various ways” (Emily Nagoski, PhD in Come As You Are).

So what’s this about “internal” and “external” orgasms? First off, Dr. Nagoski poo poo’s the whole “different kind of orgasm” concept. An orgasm is an orgasm, and she recommends “instead of thinking about ‘kinds’ of orgasm, we can think about different ways to have an orgasm.” That might mean an orgasm from clitoral stimulation (what we typically call “external”), or vaginal stimulation (aka “internal”), or a bazillion different other ways.

And I love this:

“Just as all vulvas are normal and healthy just as they are, so all orgasms are normal and healthy, regardless of what kind of stimulation generated them or how they feel. Their value comes not from how it came to be or whether it meets some arbitrary criteria but from whether you liked it and wanted it.”

So back to the common question about vaginal (internal) vs. clitoral (external) orgasms, because as I said, this is one I’m asked all the time. BOTH ARE NORMAL. In fact, according to Nagoski, less than 1/3 of women or vulva-owners are reliably able to have an orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. It seems to me that the myth that something is wrong with us if we aren’t able to have an orgasm with vaginal penetration comes from the story that a vulva needs a penis to have pleasure—which means it’s based on men’s pleasure.

Yes, we can blame the patriarchy for this. But it’s also history. Science really only explored men’s bodies for the longest time, therefore early anatomists (mostly yep—men) long ago decided that the female body should be just like the male, finding pleasure the same way and responding to sexual stimuli the same way. Most men reliably find pleasure with penile penetration in a vagina, therefore this must be what women/vulva-owners should reliably get off on too.

Real talk: the only reason you NEED to have penis-in-vagina sex is if you are actively trying to get pregnant. The clitoris is the major pleasure center for the female body, so it’s totally normal to only have orgasm with clitoral stimulation. In fact, many times an internal/vaginal orgasm is actually due to stimulation externally of the clitoris by the male partner’s pubic bone. Some research points to the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris as the primary factor in whether or not a woman/vulva-owner is able to have an internal orgasm, because the closer it is to the vaginal opening, the more likely the clitoris—in particular, the vestibular bulbs—will be stimulated during penetrative sex.

Is your mind blown yet?

Of course, there’s more. But I’m going to leave you hanging again. If you haven’t recently seen a picture of a clitoris (or been in my office to see my golden model of one!), I think it’s due time to explore it.

As always, hit me up with questions! And again, I can’t recommend Come As You Are enough. It’s so good, and so worth the read.