The Big O

Here we go: let’s talk about sex.

Or more specifically today, orgasms. Two of the questions I got from a recent email asking for questions from readers were about what an orgasm is, and the difference between “internal” and “external” orgasms.

So let’s start there!

My go-to resources for all things related to sex are two books (because you don’t want to google everything...): Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD, who is a sex educator and author among other things, and The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides (which I refer to as “everything you ever wanted to know about sex and maybe more). I’m going to lean heavily on Dr. Nagoski’s words today.

What exactly is an orgasm? So many answers may come to mind here. A good feeling? A climax? Elusive?  Yes and yes and yes, all may be true. I love Dr. Nagoski’s simple definition of this complex event. She defines an orgasm as “the sudden release of sexual tension, generated in different ways.” (She has an entire chapter on the topic in Come As You Are that I highly recommend you check out!)

One of the primary physical markers of an orgasm is a rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor muscles, and there is a correlation between weak pelvic floor and decreased orgasm ability or sensation. However, one can have an orgasm without this muscle contraction, and one can have a muscle contraction without an orgasm. Which means that it’s not just a physical event. It happens in your brain, which means the physical, emotional, mental, psychologic components of an experience all play into it.

I know people who have had an orgasm at the gym, when it was certainly not called upon (nor enjoyable in the situation!). And people who have been unable to “get there” despite trying very hard by themselves or with a partner. Like I said, it’s complex.

One question I got was about feeling the build up, then “poof, it’s gone.” She asked if this was a pelvic floor issue, and my answer is the ever-frustrating “maybe”. Because it’s never just physical.

A lot of my readers are parents of young children. So when you think about sex, you have to consider all the components: where the baby/kids are, if they are asleep, how tired you are, how touched out you are, my goodness are both of you in the mood at the same time? What contraception do you have on hand? Is there time? Would sleep be better? How sexy do you feel? Will it hurt? Do we have lube?

If your brain is thinking about all of these things, it doesn’t have as much space to just focus on the pleasure of intimacy.

To sum it all up: an orgasm is a typically pleasurable, sudden release of sexual tension, which can be generated in various ways. Tune in next week and I’ll address the latter part of that statement and the external vs. internal question (ha that I thought I could address them both in one little letter...!).

One of the surprise bonuses of my work as a pelvic floor PT is how much education I get to provide for y’all. I didn’t have the most comprehensive sex ed myself, and I loooooove being able to talk about it with other folks like you. I believe knowledge is POWER, and this is stuff we should have all been taught when we were much younger. Your body is amazing. It does amazing things. In my experience in the clinic, two of the factors that leads to anorgasmia (lack of orgasm) is a) this lack of knowledge, and b) shame. When we aren’t taught about our bodies, we’re left in the dark, and shame thrives in the dark. When we know more, we can do more, and we can take ownership of our bodies—and our pleasure—in a whole new way.

Thanks for being on this journey with me. I have so much more to share.